I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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