Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
