There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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