hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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