I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
