Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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