got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
