Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
