My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize