You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
