two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize