cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
