morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
