i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize