so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
