he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize