Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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