I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In other news, I just burned my penis
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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