Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize