apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
