forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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