I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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