I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
