you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
