I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
