I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
