HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
