if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
