I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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