She is in my trunk
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
