So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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