I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
whose ass print is on the piano?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
