I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
