Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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