please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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