I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
