why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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