i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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