I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
