I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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