and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
