Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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