My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
