a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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