Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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