It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
