for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
