Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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