My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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