I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
