I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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