my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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