Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize