my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
