I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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