I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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