i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
