I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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