My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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