Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
