I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
